Have you ever been stuck in your own world.. as in.. really stuck. Lonely. Even though you are surrounded by people.? Why does that happen? Why do we have the feeling of loneliness even when we are always around the people we love the most?
Why all this? Here is the start:
A simple picture shook me up. The idea behind it, really, was not something I understood... or even wanted to try to understand. But that's beyond the point. Then there was a conversation. A brutally honest one on my part. Unknowingly to the person I was writing to, I was crying all that I had left of my tiring day. Why was this happening to me? Was I just being an overly emotional female human being... or is something really wrong. Then I starting looking back on what was before.. and I realized that I missed all of it, a lot.
No longer did I have meaningful conversations with friends. Real friends. No offence to anyone out there who I still see and DO consider my friends, but it's just not the same. All I do is get up, go to work, go home, eat supper, go to the gym, then go to bed. Repeat, sadly. Oh, and once a week I have 4 hours of school where I go almost completely unnoticed, for the exception of one person who just happens to sit right next to me. For the rest of them... I could not be there and it would not be apparent. It would have been last year. The loud, noisy girl is now becoming the lonely, quiet girl. When did this happen?
I miss my friends. The ones I could tell everything to. The ones who had really deep conversations with me. The ones who understood me. The ones who would break my routine at least a little bit. I miss the late night conversations in random living rooms. I miss the 4 hours long walks in the city on the railroad tracks. I miss crying from laughter. I miss the people who broughtjoy to my life. I miss my old life. The life I had as a happy woman, sometime child, who could just let go. It's really hard to let go these days... when you have no one who really knows you there to let you let go. How hard can it be?
At some point... having to be the one who has to bring energy to your own self can be really really exhausting, and to much to handle.
I need them here. I need a change. I need new, or old...
Just wanted to say... it's not cause I'm not in your classes anymore that I don't exist. My real friends still call me; still talk to me; still care.
I'd lke to think that I'm still important. After 3 years, you would think that people would remember me, and not forget. People would want to spend precious time with me.
Making fond memories is something I cheerish... but how can you do that when you are forgotten...? Please keep in mind that it's not because I'm not in your class that I don't exist anymore, because you are somewhere else and I still care.